I wonder if i ever sent this letter to chris but it was letter next to it on my journal. i dont think i did because of the ending. wrote in my journal . What a trip! But I think it was a letter I wanted to send but never did. I wonder
They say that the best of letters are the ones less thought of. Bare with me as I pen these thoughts... I wonder if I ever will have the courage to share these thoughts with you. So where do I begin? Today and the few days that just passed has been really trying for me in the sense that so much memories haunt me. Thoughts of you. That ever love of my life I once had. How do i explain such passion? It all came back to me today. When I heard your voice, I knew right away that all our feelings filled the space between our separate worlds. Yet I felt no barrier. It was like we were one. How i yearned for you... to feel your kiss and the magic that happens there, between our bodies and mind - i wonder if you remember? or was this all just in my own imagination? I fear to ask.
THis may all sound crazy to anyone who has never been in love. Or is in love but denying the presence of its existence. It is a great feeling of desire without captivating. Wanting without having to own, Giving without the need to take. In the end there is a present. A present which time can never age.... where memories live so long in our hearts that we are mesmerized longing for the next moment when we can once again be reunited. Maybe with another. Maybe us with our own "other".... who knows? Only time will tell.
I ask myself.... is this really happening? Can people love like in marriage with their hearts instead of that earthly bond which most people need to gesture? My heart says yes silently.... even in our dreams.... Our hope that perhaps someday we are allowed to understand that feeling together or perhaps it is already happening and we just don't know it yet. Even if seemingly we have moved on and continued creating a life so that other aspects of ourselves continue to evolve.... live ... and love in other ways.
Many times I would catch myself in a daze while other times I am drawn to tears. Don't know whether it is for sad or happy reasons that I cry. Could it be that I silently wish... that amidst our tired lives forever in search of ourselves, that maybe we have found a part of ourself through another... that being eachother. I want to imagine that maybe you might feel the same. So many "what ifs" and "if only's" I guess there is that kind of sadness and sort of relief knowing that the past can never be changed. By that, I should know the answer.
But know this... I do not regret a single thing because of who I am now. There was that part which seeded from you at that time when you showed me another side of life. A life where i do not have the courage to admit to anyone else, not even you. And here I am still. Loving you from afar and in all the ways I know how.... Instead of all the ways one should or shouldn't. regardless of how you may or may not feel about me. I will always love you. I hope one day you will learn this. If only I were there right now for you in your trying days. I wish for you to see it in my eyes and literally feel "All of me" and know it is all true. There can never be goodbyes between us.