the mask

the  mask

I’m a certified loner, I know! but what else can I do? I love being alone. I have very few friends, and when I say few its less than ten. It feels like I’m contented being with myself. I was once a believer, I have so much confidence in me until that incident happened. I was ten years old and I thought I was in love and nothing really matters except of what I felt. I sent him letters telling him how much I love him and how he mean the world to but I guess he got tired of receiving my letters every day because he doesn’t feel the same way, so He let the whole campus know about the letters I sent to him, he even read my letters out loud for other kids to hear what it says. I was the talk of the whole campus, they bullied me, laughed at me and made me feel like I’m not worthy of whatever respect there is. It was shameful. I lost the confidence I build up for many years, the confidence the family I came from gave me and eventually I lose my self. From then on I always feel like I will never be good enough, that because I’m not perfect then I’m not worthy to be loved by other people. I know I still have my family who believe in whatever I do. Who always support me and who will love me despite of my imperfections. But no matter how my family tried to fill my whole being with love, I still have this feelings of emptiness. Yes I laugh but I’m not happy. Always scared to commit mistakes, to show my weaknesses. I’m trying so hard to be perfect. From the way i walk, I laugh, I eat, I talk and in everything I do. I don’t know myself anymore. I love tennis because they think it’s cool, I like basketball because everybody loves it, I do boxing because they think im awesome because im into that sport. i tried so hard to know how to play musical instruments from guitar, drums, piano to flute. I even want to know seven different instruments because they said you’re a genius if can play all seven of them. I want to finish two degrees because Georgina Wilson graduated on her two business majors with flying colors. I don’t know why I end up being like this. I want to stop pleasing other people but I just can’t. there’s this person who told me that I have this mastery ofshowing no emotions but she just don’t know that I’m slowly dying inside. I often cry when I’m looking myself in the mirror because I don’t líke the reflection that I’m seeing. I want to become someone else. Someone whose loved by everybody, someone who don’t have to push herself to a guy for him to like her too. Who can wear whatever clothes in the closet. Who goes out of their house without putting some make up on. I wanna be just me. I want to know what I really want without thinking what other people might say. I want to break myself from this misery and finally be happy. i wonder that time will come.