Who am I?

Wow, I have my own diary now. As exciting as it might be, I am frightened. Paranoia leads us to incredible, and disastrous things. I don't even know what to write about, what do those girls always write in their little beautiful notebooks? Shall I talk about myself for a while?

I've just started my senior year in high school, and I have unrealistic goals.  As a nerd, I want to get into Harvard, as a little dreamer, I want to be a surgeon, as a far girl, I want to lose weight. No, I am not fat to all those other people, but I hate the mirror reflection I see everyday I change my clothes. 51 kg for 166 cm girl is not much, but it's a lot for me. But, I'll let you hear my story first.

Going to the 5th grade, I never cared about the world around me. I was a shy, nerdy, and a careless girl. What have changed, you might ask. Well, everything. Other girls grew up and became beautiful, whereas I was still little like a mouse, hardly ever talking to people. My life was such an amazing thing to have, before the middle school has actually started. Bullying, name-calling, pushing around, oh Merlin, I've had enough. I had 8 suicidal attempts, but never achieved what I've wanted. I couldn't die, because I loved my mom. Well, I am very surprised I had that feeling those years, when I was abused by her almost everyday, when I had to steal her foundation to cover all those bruises and wounds after her anger. She thought she was always right about hitting me, and I don't blame her anymore, because now I understand. She became a mom at a very young age, when she gave a birth to me eldest sister. I always thought that my dad, my lovely daddy, was her Love, but I was mistaken. As an 18 year old girl she was abused by her old husband, who was a soldier, therefore, drinking was his hobby. I found out about this story couple months ago. I keep thinking, what if I had to get married in just one year, what if I had to give birth in one year? My mom was incredibly strong, until that man broke her. I love my mom, my sweet mommy, and eventhough I understand that she didn't want to do me any harm back then, I still can't truly forgive her. Don't get me wrong, please, I'm trying everyday to forgive her, but I remember those psychic moments of anger so clearly, that I hate myself for having a good memory. 

Why am I telling this? I don't know, maybe, to give you a little background on who I was as a little girl. Anyways, all that bullying for 4 years had had its effect on my personality. Nerdy? Not anymore. Shy? Not really, but I became a sociopath. Enjoying my life? Probably just hating it. The only times that I forgot about everything were the past three summers I've spent with my oldest sister, named Katherine, in United States. My sister, my caring sister, there are no words to describe how much I love you, but that last summer broke me. No, you are not the one to blame. He, the one who took my heart, ripped it into small pieces and burned it in his oven. He is the evil character in my story. When I left you, my dear sister, depression has finally took me and didn't live me yet. I am as cheerful as I can be with our family, or with my friends, but I am not fine.

I am a depressed sociopath, this is who I am right now, but it is not the end of me. I am loosing weight and I have a goal of 47 kg, but I couldn't give up eating until the past few days, when I started to reduce the amount of food I eat. Today is an important day for me, because I'm Her, who will be with me for long time, to my hand. Anorexic girls tie a red thread, or a bracelet to their hands, and this is what I do right now. This will be a reminder for me to stop eating. I've lost 4 kg a couple months before, so I can lose more. I know how scaring it might be, but I am not giving up, not this time. 

As I finished another page of my new black notebook, as I spreaded a little part of me into words, it is finally time to say good night. Well, for me it is studying till 4 am again, but I will ace that SAT, right? Wrong! There's no such thing as optimism when studying days and nights to forget everything after 4 hours of that exam saturday.