Being forced to go to the gynecologist?

So don't go. At least not yet. Give yourself permission not to feel bad about it.

Look, I am all for getting appropriate gynecological care. But it's not worth losing your mental health over it. So press "pause" on it for a bit and try and figure out how you can do it without flipping out. My suggestions are:

-Therapy. You're clearly not over your rape yet if you are still suffering from this much trauma. is a good starting place for this.

-For the actual exam, seeing someone who is familiar with sexual abuse victims. If all you want is a routine pap/pelvic, this does not have to necessarily be a gynecologist. Family docs/NPs/PAs can perform them too, and there's lots of tricks that they can do to make it less stressful, like examining you while you're sitting up, or giving you a scrip for a tranquilizer beforehand. Googling around would probably find you someone with a good reputation that you can go see.

-Bring someone you trust along. Mom, best friend, whoever. This is totally kosher if you need moral support.